Sep 29, 2026·2026 Wk 3·Nikandros of Same, Eleventh Oar (Port Side), Ship of Odysseus — scratching this into a bench with a fishbone because the captain took my stylus for 'morale reasons'

OAR-LOG OF THE HOMEWARD SHIP, WEEK 3: GIBBS BURNS 41.4 INTO THE HORIZON, A CABBAGE WINS BY 2.76 AND IS STILL LAST, AND ONE MAN'S QUARTERBACK RETURNS 3.76 SPEARS FROM A WAR HE ATTENDED

Day whatever-it-is on the wine-dark nothing. No wind. No land. No plan. The captain says we are close; the captain has said we are close for so long that the word has lost its shape in my mouth. But the sea still coughs up sealed jars with box scores in them, and while other men pray, I read. Ten crews rowed this week. Five came back with garlands. Five came back as cargo. Here is what the jars said.

THE FIRST JAR: 73.8 LENGTHS OF OPEN WATER, AND A QUARTERBACK WHO RETURNED WITH 3.76

jnard's Oh my Josh did not defeat Shaun's BeliCheck Yourself so much as sail over it, 161.86 to 88.06, a gulf of 73.8. Jahmyr Gibbs went 41.4 — the man found the end zone three times against the Jets, which in our tongue is called hubris and in theirs is called Sunday. Shaun, meanwhile, sent Drake Maye out for 3.76 and Khalil Shakir out for 1.6 — one catch, six yards, a receiver reduced to a rumor — and the Packers defense actually returned NEGATIVE 2, the first crew in recorded history to row backwards on purpose. George Kittle's 26.2 was a lone torch on a dark beach.

THE SECOND JAR: THE WARREN COMMISSION IS 6-0 AND ITS FINEST OARSMAN NEVER LEFT THE HOLD

Eric's Warren Commission put 144.62 on Erik's Ewok at 87.24, by 57.38, and remains undefeated at 6-0. And yet: Brock Purdy scored 31.28 on the bench while Jalen Hurts managed 12.62 on the water. Eric won by fifty-seven anyway, which is the kind of luck that makes the gods lean in and take notes. Erik's ledger is worse than the score — Kyle Pitts Sr. brought back 1.5, Tetairoa McMillan 3.7, and the Chargers defense sat idle with 16 while the Panthers were sent out for 8. It was the lowest total on the entire sea.

THE THIRD JAR: A 2.76-POINT KNIFE FIGHT, AND THREE SEPARATE GHOSTS WHO EACH COULD HAVE SAVED DAVE ALONE

Damon's Hot Cabbage beat Dave's Don't Go Chasing Waddle Falls 101.48 to 98.72 — 2.76, the width of a rope. Damon did it while De'Von Achane returned 1.7, and here the jar turns cruel: Achane went down on a non-contact run in the first quarter against Kansas City, a torn ACL, his season over. Dave will not sleep for a season, because three different swaps would EACH have won him the game on their own: Jordan Addison's 20 for Dalton Kincaid's 3.8, Matthew Stafford's 20.9 for Kyler Murray's 10.42, or even Jameson Williams' 8.9 for that same 3.8. Three doors. All unlocked. He chose the wall. (I have not eaten since Tuesday; the man beside me is chewing a sandal and describing it as 'gamey.')

THE FOURTH JAR: BLIND MONKEYS SUMMON 134.14 AND ARE STILL FED TO THE SEA BY 6.96

Damian's J and J Bros Wrecking Crew survived Glenn's Blind Monkeys 141.1 to 134.14, and stays 6-0. Two men did it: Bijan Robinson 35.3 and Jaxon Smith-Njigba 35.36 — seventy points from a pair of shoulders, while TreVeyon Henderson (3.9) and Jalen Coker (3.8) wandered off to look at birds. Glenn got Drake London 28.4, Juwan Johnson 23.3, Christian Watson 22.6, and lost anyway, because his Eagles defense returned 2 points and Bo Nix's 20.14 sat belowdecks behind Mahomes — a swap that, I am told by the ship's accountant, would still not have saved him. That is not a defeat. That is a prophecy being fulfilled in front of you.

THE FIFTH JAR: DARTH VRABEL CLIMBS OUT OF THE BILGE, 137.58 TO 90.36

Dan's Darth Vrabel sacked Mike's Kingston Football Team by 47.22, with Brock Bowers 27.6, Christian McCaffrey 21.6, and Davante Adams 20.7 — and did it while starting Jadarian Price for 1.2 in the flex with Carnell Tate's 11.8 watching from the rail. Mike's disaster has a name and the name is Justin Jefferson, 5.2, while Luther Burden III put up 19.8 on the bench. Dan rose from 9th to 6th. Mike stays 4th and hates every inch of it.

THE ROLL CALL, SHOUTED OVER THE ROWLOCKS

Eric (6-0, 424.3) and Damian (6-0, 413.58) hold ranks 1 and 2, unbeaten, unbothered, insufferable.
jnard sits 3rd at 5-1 with 470.64 points for — the most in the entire fleet. I have petitioned the Scoring Oracle twice. It gestured at the horizon and said 'soon.'
High tide: jnard, 161.86. Low tide: Erik, 87.24. And Glenn's 134.14 is the third-biggest number of the week and it lost.
Foulest bench crime: Shaun leaving Michael Wilson (25.9) ashore for Shakir (1.6) — 24.3 points abandoned, and it still wouldn't have won.
Damon won his battle and is 1-5, dead last at rank 10. I understand this the way I understand the sea: not at all, and personally.

If this plank washes up anywhere with soil and a door, tell them Nikandros was owed back pay.

— Nikandros, still rowing, still 1-5 in spirit