SCRAP-PAPER DISPATCH, WEEK 2: JSN DROPS 42.5 ON A DEAD WORLD, DJ MOORE SCORES NEGATIVE POINT ONE, AND THE MACHINES STILL WON'T EXPLAIN THE FLEX SPOT
They took the satellites. They took the cities. They did NOT take the box score, which printed itself on the wall of my tunnel at 3:04 a.m. in a font I do not recognize. Ten managers still played. Nobody made a single roster move — zero transactions, second straight week — because there is nothing left to claim and nowhere to claim it from. I have one pencil. I traded a can of peaches and my last dry sock for it. Here is Week 2, scratched down in the dark, while something enormous hums above the drain grate.
FOUND NOTE #1: EWOK SURVIVES BY 8.08 WITH THREE STARTERS BREATHING THROUGH A STRAW
Erik's Ewok beat Shaun's BeliCheck Yourself 100.9 to 92.82, margin 8.08, and I have read it forty times to be sure the machines aren't editing me. CeeDee Lamb went 35.3 and effectively carried the corpse of the lineup up a hill by himself, because Malik Nabers (1.1), Wan'Dale Robinson (1.9) and Kyle Pitts Sr. (2.5) combined for less than a rounding error while Rachaad White put up 14.3 on the bench — 12.4 points left to rot. Shaun answered with Quentin Johnston's 2.4 and Drake Maye's 8.02, and fell from rank 1 to rank 6 in seven days, which in this new world is technically a war crime.
FOUND NOTE #2: OH MY JOSH OPENS A 74.64-POINT CRATER, HOT CABBAGE STILL SMOLDERING
jnard's Oh my Josh detonated for a league-best 157.22 over Damon's Hot Cabbage 82.58 — a 74.64 margin, the widest scorch mark of the week. Josh Allen 40.82. Travis Kelce 25.1. Jahmyr Gibbs 23.3. James Cook III 20.9. And the man still left Stefon Diggs (21.7) on the bench in favor of DJ Moore, who scored NEGATIVE 0.1 — a starting wide receiver who ended the day owing the league money. Damon is 0-2, dead last at rank 10, and dropped three spots; the cabbage is not hot, the cabbage is ambient.
FOUND NOTE #3: WARREN COMMISSION SEIZES FIRST PLACE WHILE BOTH QUARTERBACKS RIOT ON THE BENCH
Eric's Warren Commission took it 137.46 to 112.94 over Glenn's Blind Monkeys, margin 24.52, and now sits rank 1 after starting the week 4th. Kenneth Walker III 23.8, Ja'Marr Chase 26.5, and a benched Brock Purdy (28.48) screaming into a pillow behind Jalen Hurts (16.16) — 12.32 points Eric didn't even need. Glenn, meanwhile, ran Jayden Daniels (14.74) while Patrick Mahomes posted 28.98 in reserve (14.24 wasted, and the swap alone still wouldn't have won it), got 29.2 from Jonathan Taylor, and — I want this carved into the tunnel wall — started Colston Loveland again, for 1.3. Two weeks. Two Lovelands. Glenn is 0-2 at rank 9.
FOUND NOTE #4: JAXSON DART SCORES ZERO POINT EIGHT; WADDLE FALLS WINS BY 26.58
Dave's Don't Go Chasing Waddle Falls put up 132.78 against Mike's Kingston Football Team 106.2. Amon-Ra St. Brown 35.2, Matthew Stafford 26.98, Dalton Kincaid 22.5 — and Jaylen Waddle scored 21.8 ON THE BENCH, 18.3 points idling in a team literally named after him. Mike's undoing was Jaxson Dart at quarterback for 0.8 points, a number so small the AI overlords flagged it as a sensor malfunction and sent a drone to verify it. DeVonta Smith's 27.7 deserved better. Mike falls 2nd to 5th; Dave climbs 8th to 7th.
FOUND NOTE #5: JSN GOES 42.5, ADAMS GOES 39.5, AND THE WRECKING CREW ESCAPES BY 11.34
Damian's J and J Bros Wrecking Crew survived Dan's Darth Vrabel 120.92 to 109.58, margin 11.34, in a game decided entirely by two men who apparently did not get the memo that civilization ended. Jaxon Smith-Njigba: 42.5, the single highest player score on the board. Davante Adams: 39.5 in defeat. Damian won despite Caleb Williams managing 7.72 and J.K. Dobbins 3.6 while TreVeyon Henderson (13.6) sat; Dan lost while benching the Broncos defense (10) for the Buccaneers (5). Dan is 0-2. I said his name aloud and the drain grate rattled.
SCRATCHINGS FROM THE TUNNEL WALL
- HIGH: jnard, 157.22. LOW: Damon, 82.58. The gap between them, 74.64, is also — exactly — the margin of their own matchup. Chew on that in the dark like I have been.
- Undefeated at 2-0: Eric (rank 1), Damian (rank 2), Erik (rank 3). Winless at 0-2: Dan, Glenn, Damon. There is no middle class left.
- jnard sits 4th at 1-1 with 308.78 points for — the most in the entire league. Mike is 5th at 1-1 with 273.4. I have submitted six grievances to the Scoring Authority. It responded with a picture of a door.
- Biggest fall: Shaun, 1st to 6th. Biggest climb: Eric, 4th to 1st. Nobody made a roster move. Not one. Ten managers staring at frozen lineups like it's a hostage situation.
- Personal note: the vending machine down here has become sentient and it recites Drake Maye's 8.02 at me every ninety minutes. I have asked it to stop. It says it is "contextualizing."
If you find this paper, run north, and for the love of everything, bench Colston Loveland.