DISPATCHES FROM THE FRONT: WEEK THE FIRST ENDS IN FIRE, WITH 169.92 CANNONBALLS AND ONE MAN LEAVING 33.8 POINTS ASLEEP IN THE BAGGAGE TRAIN

My dearest Josephine,

The guns have quieted. I write by the light of a tallow stub in a cellar that smells of wet wool and box scores. Ten companies marched at dawn, five returned in triumph, five returned as rumor. I have not slept. I have not eaten but for hardtack and a canteen of coffee so black the lieutenant salutes it. Below, I set down what I witnessed, that history may know.

LETTER THE FIRST: THE BLIND MONKEYS PERISH WITH THEIR POWDER DRY

Josephine, I saw a man lose a war with a loaded rifle across his knee. Glenn's Blind Monkeys mustered but 83.56 and fell to Erik's Ewok, 114.66, a margin of 31.1 — and all the while Christian Watson (32.7) sat warming himself by the bench fire while Rico Dowdle marched out and returned with 4.1. That is 28.6 points left in the tent. Worse: Colston Loveland started and scored nothing at all — a goose egg, a hollow drum — while Kenyon Sadiq (11.4) whittled sticks in reserve. The surgeon says even both men afield would not have carried the day. Grim comfort, that.

LETTER THE SECOND: THE BATTLE OF 167.2, WHEREIN A TENT-DWELLING TIGHT END COST A MAN THE WHOLE CAMPAIGN

The fiercest engagement of the day, my love. Mike's Kingston Football Team poured out 167.2 — Ashton Jeanty 32.7, Justin Jefferson 29.2, Jaxson Dart 26.6, and the Steelers defense shelling the ridge for a clean 20 — and still nearly lost, for jnard's Oh my Josh answered with 151.56 behind Josh Allen (35.66) and Jahmyr Gibbs (33.6). Margin: 15.64. And here is the wound that will not close: Dallas Goedert scored 23.7 on the bench while Marvin Harrison Jr. managed 4.3 in the flex. That single swap, Josephine — that one man — would have won the battle outright. jnard also sent the Texans defense over the wall, and they came back with minus one. Negative! I did not know a regiment could owe points. I wept into my inkwell and the ink wept back.

LETTER THE THIRD: DARTH VRABEL ROUTED WHILE THE BEST MARKSMAN NAPS

Eric's Warren Commission advanced 142.22 and broke Dan's Darth Vrabel at 90.36 — a rout of 51.86. Kenneth Walker III charged for 34.1, Zay Flowers for 26, and this despite Ja'Marr Chase contributing a whispered 3.2 and Chuba Hubbard (23.7) watching the whole affair from a folding stool. Dan's tragedy is of another order: Trevor Lawrence (26.1) sat idle while Justin Herbert (13.26) took the field, and Deebo Samuel Sr. (18) was held in reserve behind Davante Adams (5.6). Two ghosts, twelve-odd points apiece, neither enough alone. Some defeats are arithmetic. This one was theology.

LETTER THE FOURTH: CALEB WILLIAMS PUTS THE WADDLE FALLS TO THE TORCH

Damian's J and J Bros Wrecking Crew made 151.56 — Caleb Williams 37.26, Bijan Robinson 31.3, Jaxon Smith-Njigba 26.2, Trey McBride 24.5 — and laid waste to Dave's Don't Go Chasing Waddle Falls at 99.84, by 51.72. Mark the absurdity, Josephine: Damian won handily while Jalen Coker rang up 33.8 on the bench, behind Courtland Sutton's 3.1. Thirty point seven wasted in a victory. Meanwhile Dave sent Bo Nix (5.44) and Jaylen Waddle (1.2) into the breach and left Dalton Kincaid (18) playing cards in the rear. Amon-Ra St. Brown's 28.7 was a lone bugler in a burning field.

LETTER THE FIFTH: BELICHECK YOURSELF SETS THE WEEKLY RECORD AND SALTS THE CABBAGE

The high-water mark of the war: Shaun's BeliCheck Yourself, 169.92, top score of the entire front, over Damon's Hot Cabbage at 105.96 — 63.96 of open ground. Shaun ran four separate cavalry charges: Derrick Henry 35.3, D'Andre Swift 32.4, David Montgomery 28.9, Nico Collins 21.2 — and did it with Drake Maye offering a polite 9.82 at quarterback, which is like winning a siege with a butter knife in your teeth. Damon, poor Damon, started Harold Fannin Jr. (4.1) while Isaiah Likely (27.8) and Kyle Monangai (20.4) wrote letters home from the bench.

THE REGIMENTAL ROLL, AS READ BY LANTERN

• Shaun holds the colors at rank 1 (1-0, 169.92), with Mike breathing on his neck at 167.2. Two point seven two points between a hero and a footnote.
• jnard scored 151.56 and sits 6th at 0-1 — the exact same total as Damian, who sits 3rd at 1-0. I have written three letters to the Quartermaster of Scoring about this injustice. He has not replied. I suspect he is fictional.
• Glenn's 83.56 is the lowest muster on the field, and plants Blind Monkeys dead last at rank 10.
• Not a single roster move was transacted all week. No claims, no trades, no reinforcements. Ten commanders, and every one of them went to war with exactly what he had.
• Zero-point starters: Colston Loveland (Glenn) and Kyle Pitts Sr. (Erik). Erik won anyway. There is no god.

I must close, Josephine. My cot has become a filing cabinet and my filing cabinet has become a cot, and I no longer recall which one I have been sleeping in. Kiss the dog. Burn my ledgers if Week Two goes as this one did.

Ever yours in ink and disbelief, Cornelius